My approach to Transition has been a different one than most have taken. I will try to describe more of it as I go on as well as other issues that ultimately relate to my sense of self as a holistic concept.
Many trans individuals i know want work hard on passing and really want or need physical affirmation (compliments and such) I walked into transition knowing full well that I would not be perceived as my proper Gender.The photo next is a of me at a great event put forth and organized by several friends I know. The date was October 11th and was about 4 months into Spiroacterone and 3 months of Estradiol. obviously I am still not passable. But more importantly than whether I fool people is the fact that in the photo I do not think I present attractive but I do feel that i presented “me” well and that it is all me. The training day marked the first day of my next step which was to start put some focus on my presentation as a trans woman. Which I feel is much more important. If people will stare (as almost all of them do) then let them stare or mock me for what is authentically me, not an image I am trying to fabricate.
i am trying to walk up to the gates of Womanhood as someone who earned their way there after walking through a forest of doubts and self perception that I think are shaping me into a more authentic and more powerful self.
caitlynlaufey 
Caitlyn,
You are on a path that requires both stamina and bravery, the path to your authentic self. As much as I admire your courage and enjoy your participation at FFS, I don’t want you to feel neglectful about your absence. Slartibartfast (Kevin) still hasn’t written a column yet despite being on the masthead since the beginning (a fact I was giving him crap about just last night) and yet we still keep him around.
First and foremost, you do what you need to do not just to survive but to thrive.
We’ll keep the lights on, a cozy place by the fire and a beverage of choice always stocked for your visits whether they are sparse or several times a day.
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Thank you both Gene and Mike. I have been neglecting as well Socrates in efforts to survive. Your words have helped. And every day for me truly is a wonderful blank canvas and who knows what colors I will come across or even what medium I will see that day.
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Caitlyn,
Love your new blog layout. Very clean. And as always, best fortune on all things transition related.
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“obviously I am still not passable.”
Caitlin,
This must indeed be part of the suffering that those who are making “transition” must suffer. In the larger scheme of things in this screwed up world, “passable” shouldn’t be a consideration, rather it should be judging someone not on their appearance, but on who they really are. Sadly, I am not asserting that I am immune from making these snap judgments based on appearance, yet I work on this knowing from my own experience how superficial these judgments are. I was always blessed with “manly” good looks and have always been relatively tall in stature. However, I’ve always been basically a shy “nerd” and grew up in a school age were bullying was the norm. While I would fight back, invariably I’d lose the fights and in our macho culture would feel humiliation. The challenge I faced was either identifying with the “fags” and “queers”, names that my tormenters called me, or use my outward “manliness” to join with my abusers against those perceived different. I chose the former, before I even met someone who was outwardly “gay” I knew I was on the right side of the issue of sexuality. I am decidedly heterosexual, yet I cry easily, enjoy Broadway Show tunes and in many ways share the cliched “gay male” sensibility. I even had the courage to actually experiment sexually with men, as I’ve written about on my blog. We are all so much more than outward appearance. Our task in life, if there indeed is any other than self fulfillment, is to become the human being that we are meant to become.
There is tremendous bravery involved in for any trans person to assert their identity. People’s cruelty and need to adhere to supposed norms, will heap upon them scorn, skepticism and abuse. My career was blessed with the fact that I worked with, for and as a supervisor for a great many people of all ethnicity and sexual orientation. Whether I liked their personalities or not, experience proved to me that humans share so much more than mere sexual identity. The bottom line about prejudice, in my opinion, is personal insecurity and self doubt, manifested via psychological projection onto others of that which people loathe in themselves. I write this, in my unfortunately ponderous way, to express my support and admiration for the journey you have embarked on. You have great courage in your quest for authenticity, as do all those on a similar journey. Human worth must be measured as a gestalt of who they are, not as an image of what is “passable” to a general public shackled by their blindness to all but the norms with which they were raised.
Mike
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Thanks so very much Vicky. I really wanted to build a strong sense of self during transition. I can influence the physical changes some, but bringing the real me all together will help me to really blossom and get the most out of my life from now on.
One of the very few advantages to a transition later in life is the cognitive ordering necessary to view events and connections with perspective.
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You are a beautiful person! I love seeing people working towards being their Authentic Selves, I only wish that more people would be willing to do it. In time, the whole of humanity will begin to accept who they are as individuals and as a global community. You may not realize it, but creating this blog will help many people on their paths to their Authentic Selves.
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