A new approach to Transition, “Through the forest to reach the shores.”

My approach to Transition has been a different one than most have taken. I will try to describe more of it as I go on as well as other issues that ultimately relate to my sense of self as a holistic concept.

Many trans individuals i know want work hard on passing and really want or need physical affirmation (compliments and such) I walked into transition knowing full well that I would not be perceived as my proper Gender.The photo next is a of me at a great event put forth and organized by several friends I know.  The date was October 11th and was about 4 months into Spiroacterone  and 3 months of Estradiol. obviously I am still not passable. But more importantly than whether I fool people is the fact that in the photo I do not think I present attractive but I do feel that i presented “me” well and that it is all me. The training day marked the first day of my next step which was to start put some focus on my presentation as a trans woman. Which I feel is much more important. If people will stare (as almost all of them do) then let them stare or mock me for what is authentically me,  not an image I am trying to fabricate.Trans leadership Training Oct11th,2014 3 Caitlyn squinting

i am trying to walk up to the gates of Womanhood as someone who earned their way there after walking through a forest of doubts and self perception that I think are  shaping me into a more authentic and more powerful self.

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Fracas

So, today after an awesome meeting with a group I will be working with for a time I went to the store.
At said store there was a huge line but we were all patient, i even let a guy cut in front of me because his hands were full (he said thanks and all that, very nice).
Meanwhile ahead of us was some Juggalo (spelling sorry, kind of an ancient term) wannabe started mouthing off and immediately called the cashier “Habib” and just started demanding his money back and ended by calling the cashier ( I am thinking he was Sikh, but maybe simply Pakistani, but who knows I am ignorant woefully) a….. well as immature as it sounds “N word” ( a word is just a word yeah, but I refused to say that word since I was 10). But again it is just a word.
Well this beautiful tall young man with dreads says “what did you say?” and follows him out.
I alas became involved, I told the non-hideous I agreed with and that it was out of line what had been said.
Shortly after that was when the punches from these two large men began flowing. The bigot ran and apologized as they so often do alone in the face of righteous fury.
However I have to say that evading a punch from the “noble one” was part of my exit as well as several threats.
I simply wanted it to stop, I mean he had already “clocked ” him twice.
My goal,… nobody goes to jail.
If we could just communicate or learn that this is a priority.

Frustration

Hela, Thor Ragnarok HalaSo in finding out that I have a blood-clot that is serious but treatable, and not in a serious or an untreatable area I am very frustrated with the medical communities response to it. The response being  pretty much being step back, hands off, call us when it is resolved, we don’t responsibility.

This is very frustrating the personal, emotional, and financial sacrifice and submission i have put into this relationship to achieve my goal.

What to I do?

I have given literally everything, me, my life, my family, my home, my career, family, friends, home, career, finances, past, fitness, for this. I cannot stop at this point.

No estrogen he says.

Compensations and such

I have a sister that my former self veritably raised. She cannot remember me baby sitting her when I was 8 or 9 dressed in girl clothes and acting like a girl (she was 4 or 5). This went on for 2 to 3 years.
All my life I felt that I always wavered towards the feminine and a few friends and such commented over the years. I was feminine in a lot of what I thought were obvious ways ballet, played a girl often, disdained many masculine activities, and the list goes on right, etc…?
The thing is with a few exceptions and teasing here and there few people noticed. Of course I covered it a lot sometimes I think deliberately.
Because I also did some very extreme I guess male-ish things to compensate and maybe just satiate that male part of that I was forced to build.Who knows?
But because of that I think some people including that sister saw me very much in the latter activities and because of that it is hard for them to take that image of me apart.
Which is not really necessary from my point of view,because most of that was really me. Gender is silly like that.
At any rate that sister and I have still not spoken from transition, which breaks my heart.
But we go on.

Does Bernie Sanders have “jumper cables”?

I had to do something to get my blog momentum going again so this was spewed out. A reflection over an article on this a tired but true “Dark Horse contender” that just might be able start up my enthusiasm again.

Bernie Sanders on Gun Rights

I am starting to really appreciate and develop an appreciation for Bernie Sanders. As a firm believer in the 2nd Amendment I am at times in an odd position with where most would think I fit fit politically.
Sanders seems to me to show a more rational approach to many issues that I appreciate. He shows disdain at times for both parties but in a form of bitter irony he understands of course that he has no chance without one.
My friends from the History Frat I was part of in college, Phi Alpha Theta(?) once looked at me in total horror and said you “Omg you have searched so far Right that you have come out Radical Left!”

Of the Republican possibles Rand Paul believe it or not has some really opposing rhetoric to my own positions but also shows character and some overall direction that seems to be what I feel.

As for Hillary? Well besides the Clinton or Bush dynasty thing which frankly drives me up a damn wall. I mean really all the diversity and freedom and progress that we are pushing for in this nation in either party or anywhere, and this is the best we can muster? The same two families? Not to mention the scores of complaints and admiration, commentary or whatever about either family and then we are considering having them back. It’s embarrassing, really.

Besides all of that. Hillary would be acceptable, she is indeed and intelligent and strong person. I believe she has some very good plans and she has been part of some great things and has pretty generally kept her record clean with some notable but notorious exceptions.

But she doesn’t seem to really be one of us and she has pretty sketchy views on some minor issues that i do not agree with. So I am torn and she definitely does not get the free vote that many are pushing for her as a woman or reformist.
Then there is the theme that none of the candidates are addressing the real major issues of social reform and inequality which are obviously boiling about us and have to be addressed. Although I will say that Bernie mentioned it the other day.

But talk is cheap, time to wait and see I guess. But to be honest I am getting really tired of waiting.

Caitlyn Diana

Some specific thoughts on inclusion and gratitude

Something that I have been thinking about for some time is the entire concept of inclusion. In specific I have been thinking of the overall acceptance that the trans female has received from the what is being called cis women or women that are born into the correct female form.  I am in Michigan and during the summer the Womyn’s Fest week long gathering of any woman that wishes to come was held in Northern Michigan. The festival is in essence a sacred space for women. Events vary and the entertainment is supposed to be quite good.  There was quite a controversy that came from what has been called TERF’s or Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminists about trans women being able to attend the festival.  Many consider this a derogatory term but we will have to make do with it for now.  The reasons for their wanted exclusion are varied and in my opinion hold little weight.

During the summer I met a really amazing trans woman whom had transitioned nearly 10 years ago and had begun her transition in her mid teens.  The conversation that followed can best be described as thought provoking. The gist of it was that if you are trans then you are trans and that to try to think of yourself as a cis woman with her past is futile. She said that you could have all the surgeries performed and look perfect, transition perfect and you would in the end still be slightly different. Not the same as other women in your experiences and to think you are or to try to trade in t hat feeling of being trans is to cheat yourself and devalue the cost and nature of our own lives.

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I know this seems perhaps basic or simple but it recognizes several really important things I think.

A. that transgender is a thing unto itself.

B. that we have our past that can be claimed as trans woman (I cannot speak so much for trans men at this point) and this past should be valued even if it is untranslatable at times it may seem.

C. That for trans women at least we have been accepted and included by the most fundamental group that we can identify with, i.e. cis females.

D. That for the purpose of our journey to woman-hood this ability to identify is critical.

E. Finally that we as trans women should remember to be aware of all this and perhaps thankful to our mother concept of women and all those that are welcoming us into the fold.

As far as I can tell there is not an equivalent movement of men to be inclusive and participatory for the trans men. I have a few theories on this and brought the issue to a friend of mine who has a Phd. in Community Psychology. His  theory was related to the idea that trans men were trying to become part of a relatively exclusive group and were lacking the help and guidance of cis men. Steve always has a way of turning things for me so I look at the issue from a new facet of my prism of perception.

I have always believed that women in general were much fluent socially than men.  But in some ways trans women are learning the social medium from familiar facets as new views become more and more clear. For me the journey of transition so far has been immensely intra-personal and spiritual.

Well that’s enough for now. This post feels much less comprehensive than I intended, but it too will have to do.  The importance for now i think is simply to write and write true.

My thanks again to all women that welcome me into the only place I can call home.

Trans attention, Union is important

OK, starting this whole Blog thing has been intimidating so this is my low effort start directly from my facebook. Controversial a little among the trans community. Go to my page if you want to see the commentary that follows. i value the opinion of my friends that commented and do not feel it is my right to share their opinion here at this point.

http://www.msnbc.com/ronan-farrow/watch/sarah-silverman-transgender-backlash-340241475788

This is all true. But even though I am not a Silverman fan I do not believe this is was what she intended and our criticism although valid really detracts from her point about the women’s issue she is addressing. Ideally she would have added that in the end though being transgender would not help either and only make things worse. But the ad was not perfect or all inclusive. Overall a good deed and meant to address a need. Thanks to Sarah overall.